"If you are brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello."

I have decided to say goodbye to some boys who weren't right for me. If I am changing my life around, stopping obsessing with the weight loss and moving forward, it's only fair that I do it in all of the categories of my life: love life included. I don't know how to explain it. Talking about love life and relationships is a little touchy on this blog, but I am going to do it anyways, at least try to do it the best I can.

When I was heavier, I didn't think I deserved to be loved. Boys wouldn't even look at me. I watched my friends, one after the other, get in relationships while I was always the nice girl guys would call friend. I think I didn't even care. The boys I did like were the ones that were all wrong for me. The assholes, the trouble maker, the tattooed... Let's not even talk about the one with the blue mohawk and the missing lungs. Those guys were all crushes. Nothing never even happened between them & I, maybe except a small kiss here and there. They weren't attracted to me, but they knew I would always be there for them. I would lend them my history notes or cook them dinner or drive them around, when it should of been the other way. I know better now, but back then I thought I was lucky to have their attention.

After I lost the weight, I still had that mentality, except that now, boys liked me. I was getting hit on and asked on dates. I was being stared at in the gym and the supermarket. I was told I was beautiful. I didn't get it, but I liked the attention. Unfortunately, my dating patterns didn't change. I think I even got scared of guys. If they liked me, I didn't like them, because I didn't understand. I also didn't want to open up and be vulnerable. I would much rather be alone than be disappointed or rejected, because I knew rejection oh too well, and I knew the weight wasn't an excuse anymore. I didn't have an excuse. So I dated boys that didn't care about me. When I say dated, I mean "I saw". I have never had a boyfriend (unless you count the ones in elementary school who gave me shampoo as birthday gifts). I would go on a date and either never call the guy again and ignore him because he liked me or I would want the guy because he didn't want of me. It was a destructive pattern. And, they would always come back. After they noticed I didn't give them attention anymore, they would come back asking for more until I was hooked again.

Yesterday, I talked with Alycia and she made me realize how bad it was that I was still talking to them. How I needed to have self-respect and get rid of the boys that were no good for me and that brought nothing good to my life. So today, that's what I did. I deleted them of my phone, of my facebook. I said goodbye to them without actually telling them goodbye and I moved on. It's not easy. It's never easy moving on. It's not like there is 15 of them either, just 2 important ones. One that has been in my life for three years now and another for two. They are out of it now. I think this is one of the best decision I have made so far this year.

I now believe I deserve a guy that will treat me like the most important thing in his life. That will make me feel special and loved. Or, like Sarah said: "I promise you that when you least expect it, you will find love. And you will find mind-blowing, passionate, extraordinary and completely convenient love". I think my first boyfriend will be the last one, and I am so okay with that. I don't mind waiting - well actually -  I not waiting, not at all. I don't mind living my life without a partner, because being alone doesn't scare me. I embrace it. And when the right guy comes along, I will know and it will only make everything that already great better. And... I AM ONLY 21 YEARS OLD! I should be a little more immature sometimes.

So, this is another thing that has changed in my life. I changed the blog's perspective and I changed my heart's perspective. What's next? Maybe I should tackled my procrastination towards finding a job... I'll do that tomorrow...