I don't feel good.

I am not saying I don't look good. I am saying I don't feel good. There is a difference. I don't feel comfortable in my own body anymore and today was kind of hellish.

It was hot out and instead of the shorts I could of worn 20 pounds ago, I covered myself up in too tight jeans and a jacket. What the hell Corinne? I was sweating walking outside but I didn't care. I didn't want anyone to see me. I felt so self-conscious. I thought about it all day. I remember now how it felt when I was 213 pounds, or even just last September at 188. It's a  disgusting feeling. That's what I felt. Disgust, disappointment, shame. I am dreading seeing people I haven't seen in a long time, because I know what they will be thinking is: "She has gained weight, once again, what a failure". I did gain weight. It's a fact. And now I dealing with it.

They say that with the years you get wiser and, whoever the hell they are, are right. I am getting wiser with every failure that goes by and every failure that happens helps me understand more about myself and helps me make choices that will no longer make me feel horrible. So, I don't see it as a failure. It's more of a "I fell down three times but got back up four times" situation. I will never stop trying to find myself, to make myself better. The first time I lost the weight, it was to look hot. This is not what this is about anymore. I am losing the weight to be happy with myself and to be healthy. It doesn't matter what people think.

It would be easier to have water and crackers next to my bed and to only get out to go to the gym until the pounds have melted away, but that's not how life works. You have to face the obstacles you have created for yourself, and you have to do that head first. So, even though I know that I won't be feeling good about myself for the next couple months, I am not going to give up. The disgust feeling will turn into an uncomfortable feeling and then slowly, I will come back to feeling confident again. I just have to be patient and I have to stop beating myself up.

Like I said, it's not because I don't feel good that I don't look good. But, it doesn't matter if others think I am beautiful if I don't think it myself.

Today was day one. And it was good. I'll keep on pushing and trying until I reach an acceptable weight. And I'll keep living at the same time, weight loss doesn't define me anymore. It has in the past, it doesn't now.