I was very quiet this weekend, and I apologize for that. It's just that every time I started writing, I didn't know how to start, how to say what I wanted to say. I haven't been feeling great this summer, and I think that's because I miss my independence. It has nothing to do with my parents, my family, with my friends, it has to do with me. I miss having my little apartment, my routine, my gym, my grocery store, my bar where I sing on Tuesday's... I miss that. I love Maine. I want to live in Maine when I am older, that's how much I adore it... But it's not for me now. My mom told me last summer, she said I shouldn't come back, but I didn't listen, and I came back. I thought I'd be stronger and I wouldn't fall back in bad habits, but I did. I gained weight. I am now at:

The good news is that I am not letting it get out of hand like last summer. I have been saying for weeks now: okay, today, fresh start. Okay today, I am going to do good. Todays would turn into tomorrows, tomorrows into next week... But Friday night, after having a little too much too drink and sitting in the kitchen eating cookies, I felt so disgusted and ashamed of myself. Not because of the drinking or the cookies, but because of the lack of commitment, the unhealthy ways, the laziness, the sadness, the lack of respect for myself, my body and others. Because I made myself a promise and I broke it. I made you guys a promise and I broke it. I guess there is no way to go back, all I can do it move forward and put the embarrassment behind.

If we don't look at the weight gain and the lack of self-confidence, my summer was awesome. My best friend Sarah and I had so much fun. SO MUCH FUN. She is leaving in two days and that breaks my heart, but at the same time, I know it's just life and it will give me a chance to fall back into a routine. Coming back to Maine was worth it, for her, to be with my family. That is what makes it worth it. This weekend, I did very good. I ate healthy, didn't snack at the club house, made good choices at the restaurant, stayed under my calorie limit, so I KNOW I CAN DO THIS. All that was missing is that spark of motivation. I look at  myself in the mirror and it's not the extra fat I see, it's the unhappy Corinne. The self-concious Corinne. At the beginning of the summer, I had no problem running around in a bikini or skinny dipping with friends. Now, the thought of it makes me cringe.

This whole weight loss thing is hard. It's more of a mental battle I'd say. It's so hard. Losing the weight is easy, it's changing your view about it that's hard. It's realizing that people aren't looking at you because they think you are fat, because you aren't anymore. It's realizing that you can't get away with eating 5 cookies, even if you are 120 pounds. It's all those little things you don't think of. I know I need to get some kind of help, to put all of his behind. That will have to wait until September, but it will happen. And until then, I am going to work at getting myself back, my body back and just my smile back.

I am sorry this blog as been a little depressing this summer, but this is my life, and this is how it is. It can't always be sunshine and rainbows... It was a little cloudy, but it's getting better. It's my last summer here, there will be no going back into old habits, only moving on to new ones. So bear with me, it's going to get better. Plus, today, we are starting fresh in the weigh-in section.