I have gained weight, once again. It's not dramatic, but it's hard. It's hard because I said I wouldn't. I promise I wouldn't. I was convinced I wouldn't. And then I did.

And it's not like the failure is a secret I can keep for myself. It's a dirty little secret that 500 of you get in their emails. That thousands of you read every week. That my mom sees on me everyday. That my friends will see when I see them again. Everyone knows this secret because I chose to share my life on this blog. I think this is what has been making me scared to write on here for these past few weeks. My ego has taken a toll, my self-confidence also. But things have happened, things that have helped me.

I met new friends. They didn't know I was fat before. They didn't know I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. They didn't know I was ten pounds lighter 2 months ago. And they liked me. One of them especially, he thought I was beautiful. Just the way I am now. At 170 pounds, in all my glory. And when I was with him, with them, I felt so good about myself, because for the first time since my trip, I was myself completely. Thanks to that guy, to these guys, I woke up today feeling like me again. A little sad, because they are gone and I don't think I'll ever see them again, but happy and confident.

Beauty is so much more than having a nice body. We are so hard on ourselves, it's kind of sad. I feel like sometimes I stop living. I am not living the life I could because I focus so much on calories and food and my weight… All the things I could be doing if weight loss was done and over with. All the people I could be meeting. All the new projects I could be starting.

I made the decision that this would be my last summer in Maine, because I don't "grow up" here. I am where I always was. Don't get me wrong though, I am going to miss it.  I won't get to be with my family and I won't get to see my golf family anymore and my island friends… Sarah. And Ben. And Andrew. And all the families… It's just that when I am here, I go straight back to where I was. The immature, self-conscious little girl. I am so worried about my appearance and myself that every comment I get, I take as an attack. My mom is trying to help but I won't take any advice, from her or anyone. I feel like I am falling back into bad habits, bad habits I had before I lost the weight, bad moods, bad behaviour. I can't do this anymore.

I need new. I need to take care of myself all by myself. This is bittersweet because the one thing I always want is to be here. All year long last year I thought of Kineo Island in Maine. My second home. My safe haven. My mama. My dad. My little brothers and my little sister. But I need to be selfish. I want to be happy. I don't want to jeopardize my relationships with them. I am not myself at home. I miss the old me, well the new me. It's a little confusing, isn't it? Imagine my brain right now!

I have learnt to eat healthy again, so that's okay. It's something I can do. It's not something I always choose to do, but it's something I am very highly capable of.  Don't worry, my health is my priority. I still want to reach my goal (I know I repeat that a lot). I still want to lose weight, because right now I feel like a masculine rugby player that wears dresses, but I am becoming more accepting of myself.

And that's all that matters really.